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Rejected Weekend Update Jokes, 10/11/14

Here we go again with some jokes! If you say these aloud in your apartment, you are the first person to speak them aloud in the universe. Isn’t that cool? No? You’re right. Also, I feel like this week’s batch came out a little weak, as I had a lot of stuff get in the way of “joke time” (when I turn the lights off, fire up some candles, slip into a prison jumpsuit, eat an entire roast pig and get to writin’). But I’m still posting them anyway because who cares! On with the show:

Officials with a church in Massachusetts are searching for several 1-and-a-half-ton gargoyles that disappeared. The officials said they think the gargoyles are most likely RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

The Obama administration is planning to increase screening of travelers coming to the US from Ebola-infected countries. This should be a big step up from the current method: [picture of a piece of paper reading “Do you have Ebola? Circle yes or no.”]

New research shows that reindeer in Norway have an unusually high level of radiation due to dust from the 1986 Chernobyl meltdown. So, sorry Rudolph. That nose is cancer.

According to a new report, 90 percent of waitresses say that they have been sexually harassed by customers. More specifically, this customer: [Picture of Guy Fieri]

A new report suggests that the average American graduating from college can now have 20 different jobs over the course of their career, or if they want to pay off their student loan debt, 20 jobs all at once.

Scientists have identified a nearly 40,000 year old hand stencil on a cave wall in Indonesia as the oldest rock art in the world, ousting the previous oldest “rock art” in the world: Keith Richards.

According to data from the wearable fitness device Jawbone, the people in the country who go to sleep the latest are in Brooklyn, New York, and none of them will turn their damn music down.

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Get to Know a Digital Team: Pocketwatch

ucbcomedy:

UCB Comedy’s Digital Teams deliver hilarious videos to our YouTube channel every weekday. Today, meet one of them: Pocketwatch, our pop culture and political sketch team. We asked them some questions about dealing with sensitive content, pissing off gun owners, and working fast.

POCKETWATCH is Erik Tanouye, Cody Lindquist, Timothy Dunn, Jerah Milligan, Johnathan Fernandez, Aaron Burdette, Kerry McGuire, Caroline Haubold, Evan Greenspoon, Ed Mundy, Kristopher Knight, Juliet Werner, Michelle Ciotta, Trevor Williams, Dan De Lorenzo, Carina Jollie, Lee Chin. Their videos appear on UCB Comedy every Monday. 

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Can you describe how you plan for and execute topical videos on such a fast timeline? 

Michelle Ciotta: For the most part, we’ve been releasing a video every week, which is definitely a challenge. We have a list of topical events (movie releases, award shows, TV premieres, etc) and see if we can put together videos that correspond to those.  A big part of the challenge, though, is that we don’t want to do a Hunger Games sketch, for example, if we don’t have anything to say about the Hunger Games.  We try to have a specific point of view. 

Ed Mundy: Once a month, we plan a quick turnaround video that’s conceptualized on a Thursday, written on Friday, shot on Saturday, edited on Sunday, and released on Monday. As long as nothing important happens on the weekend, we can deliver a really up-to-date response to a current event that way. The rest of our videos are created over a longer period of time, and if they end up seeming super topical, we all give each other high fives, because we tricked you.

Johnathan Fernandez: We have a vast google doc that is literally just events that we know will take place in the future near and far.

Aaron Burdette: We have to stay on top of the stories down to the minute, because any slight change in the story could affect our satirical viewpoint. With our Ferguson video, the script kept changing all the way up until Saturday morning when we started filming it. The Ferguson Police kept releasing new information in an attempt to take back the narrative, and it changed which jokes actually worked in the script. We had to change several of the slides in the FBI Agent’s presentation because the new information forced us to call the Ferguson PD out for totally new and different screw-ups that took precedence over their previous ones. 

Ferguson Police Training: Who to Shoot? | by Pocketwatch

Kristopher Knight: It’s a whirlwind, but it’s how we can immediately respond to something that’s happened in the news. We couldn’t do any of our sketches without having such a balanced team. There are 17 of us; someone will be able to get it done.

Lee Chin: It is a really supportive group we have, and there are a lot of us, all with really diverse backgrounds in media production so we can always help out where others are not as comfortable. That is probably our biggest asset, each other. I personally think that is the reason why we are so good at delivering on such a fast timeline, we’re super-cohesive as a unit.

Michelle Ciotta: It’s a blessing that we have quite a few editors on the team so you only have to do one once every few months. They’re exhilarating, though, to know you could be responding to something that literally just happened and are putting out a final, polished product in just a few days.

Read More

RIP Choice Teen Awards

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Rejected Weekend Update Jokes, 10/4/14

With another SNL comes another heapin helpin o’ topical jokes that, if not posted to Tumblr, become an undiscoverable time capsule on my computer. As mixed metaphors go that one is pretty bad, but damned if I’m gonna fix it! Anyway, dem jokes:

Julia Pierson, the head of the Secret Service, said Wednesday that she would resign her position in the wake of several high profile security breaches at the White House. She said she will turn in her gun as soon as she remembers where it is.

A statistician has calculated the probability of which Game of Thrones characters will survive till the end of the series. The character most likely to die before the series ends: George R.R. Martin.

Producers are now developing a movie based on the classic video game Tetris. The movie is expected to be two hours  of waiting for that damn stick piece to show up.

A new calendar has gone on sale in New York featuring the cities most attractive cab drivers. Coming in at first place: the one that took a shower.

Officials in New Mexico are hoping to curb speeding on a stretch of Route 66 by installing a “singing road” that uses rumble strips to create a song that can only be heard by driving the speed limit. Finally, a way to listen to music in your car!

Federal officials have arrested the maker of the StealthGenie app, which they said violated the law by allowing users to secretly monitor phone calls and texts. Said the feds: “That’s our job.”

New York State police arrested a supermarket employee who was caught stealing 1200 dollars worth of meat by hiding it in his pants. The police were alerted to the crime after the man used the pickup line “Hey there, ever met a man with so much meat in his pants he can’t even walk?”

A couple in Canada climbed a 2300-foot mountain to exchange their wedding vows. “We’ll just wait down here,” said the entire wedding party.

In a recent interview George W. Bush said that America has now learned the “lesson” about withdrawing US troops from Iraq since they are not yet capable of providing for their own security. Still working on the lesson about invading in the first place, though!

The NFL will continue with plans for its annual breast cancer awareness campaign despite its recent domestic violence issues. Said Roger Goodell: “See? We love breasts… I mean women.”

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Rejected Weekend Update Jokes - 9/27/14

The 40th season of SNL fired up this weekend, and I’m back for my 3rd season as a ghost who sends them jokes from beyond the grave! It’s also cool that I get to send Saturday Night Live, one of the premier comedy institutions in the world, a joke as stupid as the Cuba Gooding Jr. one below. Anyway, LET’S. GET. REJECTED:

Today is National Prescription Take-Back Day, in which the DEA collects unused prescription medications, then gives them to their Uncle Carl who “needs them for something.”

Apple on Wednesday pulled its newest iOS update on the same day as it was released after it was discovered that the new software disabled cell service on users’ phones. Said Apple: “Sorry, we didn’t think anyone still used them for that.”

A Wisconsin man says that he is suffering from a rare disease that causes him to have up to 100 orgasms a day. Said the man’s doctor: “Congratulations.”

Actor Cuba Gooding Jr., who was participating in a “Shoot The Puck” competition during halftime of a Chicago Blackhawks game, removed his shirt after making a goal. Eh, I’ve seen Cuba Gooder. [Picture of Cuba with his shirt off]

A parking enforcement officer in New York State pled guilty to stealing more than 89,000 dollars in coins from parking meters. Police first became suspicious of the officer when all of his wishes came true.

ESPN on Wednesday suspended commentator Bill Simmons after he went on a profanity laced tirade calling NFL commissioner Roger Goodell a “liar.” Oh, so THAT’S what you have to do to get suspended.

An author from Peru has filed a lawsuit against Disney claiming that the story for the movie Frozen was stolen from her autobiography. She went on to say that if Disney doesn’t pay up, she’ll freeze them with her snow powers.

While speaking at the Clinton Global Initiative, President Obama complimented Hillary Clinton saying that she now looks rested after her term as Secretary of State and has the “post administration glow.” He then pulled her in close, looked her dead in the eye and whispered “Kill me.”

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, from the MTV Show “Jersey Shore,” was charged with failing to pay taxes on nearly 9 million dollars worth of income. The Situation apologized, saying he didn’t think you had to pay income tax if you spent it all on STD tests.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said reports that he lost 85 pounds since his lap band surgery are not true and that he will not reveal any information about the matter, officially making this his response to everything.

According to a new study the more time a person spends exercising the more likely it is they will have cavities. My advice? Stop eating weights.

It was revealed that in separate incidents two women, one of whom was naked, broke into Keanu Reeves’ home. Reeves said he’s considering buying a more secure home than what he has now: two surfboards leaning up against each other.

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williebhines:

ucbcomedy:

There’s more to those pesky ads than meets the eye… 

Great!

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liz-pls:

I’m only sharing tweets for those who are not on twitter and can’t see how passionate and outraged journalists are as they tweet from #Ferguson.

If you are on Twitter, here’s a good roster of people to follow if you want to keep updated.

(via alanstarzinski)

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ucbcomedy:

Is this what Ferguson police training looks like?

This is probably true.

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connorratliff:

Have you heard the BUZZ about Stone Cold FOX’s upcoming show in the New York International Fringe Festival?

Well, THE NEW YORK TIMES has, and they are using up a whole page on their precious website just to tell you information about it:  http://www.nytimes.com/theater/show/229722/FringeNYC-Stone-Cold-Fox-The-Best-from-75-Years-of-SCF/overview

Our first performance is this Saturday night, and after that you only have 4 more chances before we put this show back in the Stone Cold Fox vault FOREVER!

Day shows! Night shows! We do them all, and for those of you still mourning the end of the FOX television network series FRINGE, we can offer little comfort— this festival has nothing to do with that show, which is over, its story lines thoroughly concluded.

So click that NYTimes link for details (and to order tickets) and when you come to the theater to see the show, tell ‘em “The New York Times sent me!”

connorratliff:

Have you heard the BUZZ about Stone Cold FOX’s upcoming show in the New York International Fringe Festival?

Well, THE NEW YORK TIMES has, and they are using up a whole page on their precious website just to tell you information about it: http://www.nytimes.com/theater/show/229722/FringeNYC-Stone-Cold-Fox-The-Best-from-75-Years-of-SCF/overview

Our first performance is this Saturday night, and after that you only have 4 more chances before we put this show back in the Stone Cold Fox vault FOREVER!

Day shows! Night shows! We do them all, and for those of you still mourning the end of the FOX television network series FRINGE, we can offer little comfort— this festival has nothing to do with that show, which is over, its story lines thoroughly concluded.

So click that NYTimes link for details (and to order tickets) and when you come to the theater to see the show, tell ‘em “The New York Times sent me!”

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ucbcomedy:

What better way to teach your children about the rapidly declining state of our environment than with a fun, informative, and consequence free game? It’s just like real life! LET’S PLAY EARTH BALL! New video, by UCBs Pocketwatch! 

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ucbcomedy:

Wait, wait. We’ve seen this news before. Or have we? UCBs Pocketwatch investigates how history repeats itself in their new video. Watch all their vids here!