Once again I’ve fallen woefully behind in posting the jokes that I sent to SNL that none of you saw on the television. But in an effort to catch up, here’s a huge dump of them, sorted in reverse chronological order so that they become less topical as you read them! It’s like a failure time machine!
Walmart is recalling more than 170,000 dolls over concerns that they can overheat and potentially burn customers. Still selling guns, though!
After Pope Francis met with President Obama on Thursday he gave him a copy of his book “The Joy of the Gospel,” saying “this is for when you are bored.” Said Obama: “Oh cool, then I guess I’ll read it right now.”
The bee master at a spelling bee in San Diego was forced to call for a break in the competition when he realized that they had run out of words, which explains why the last word he’d asked the kids to spell was “umm, umm, microphone?”
The College Board announced this week that it is making changes to the SATs so that they will be more fair for lower income students. Their first step: removing the yachting section.
A passenger on a recent flight from Calgary to Victoria, British Columbia left a note on the cockpit door for the female pilot saying “the cockpit of an airliner is no place for a woman.” In retaliation, the pilot flew the passenger safely to his destination.
A Canadian man was arrested after he tried to rob a convenience store with a hockey stick. He’s expected to serve up to five years in the penalty box.
North Korea on Thursday launched four short-range missiles into the East Sea. The good news is they were aiming for California.
A new app has been launched called Minibar, which allows people in New York to have wine and liquor delivered to their homes, which is perfect for when you’re already too drunk to make it to the corner store.
Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have discovered 500 year old drawings for a weapon system in which cats would be strapped to rocket-like devices and fired at targets. The researchers said this is one of the most effective ways to kill cats they’ve ever seen.
A 45 year-old French woman, who was on a ski vacation in the Alps, didn’t know she was pregnant and was shocked when she gave birth to a baby girl. The good thing is, she still managed to complete her slalom. [picture of a baby dangling out of a skiing woman]
The milk industry this week replaced its 20 year old slogan “Got Milk” with a new phrase “Milk Life,” which is the same slogan Tupac Shakur had tattooed on his stomach as a child.
According to recently released documents the NSA and British Intelligence have developed a system to hack into popular smartphone apps such as Angry Birds to get information about users. I mean, what could a game about vengeful birds committing suicide to kill oppressive pigs possibly tell them… about… terrorism…
A new survey shows that the most common food eaten on Super Bowl Sunday is vegetables. Or, as most Americans call them, “those green sticks you use as a ranch dressing spoon.”
A Florida newspaper is inviting readers to volunteer as proofreaders for three hours a night, rewarding the person who catches the most typos with a free diner.
A Brooklyn woman is suing a local McDonald’s alleging that when she demanded cheese on her son’s Happy Meal hamburger, the cashier punched her. Look, if she wanted a cheeseburger, she should’ve ordered one.
The first SNL of the new year! Sasheer is already killing it, Drake was a solid host, and I wowed all my fans (my cat) by having some more jokes that didn’t make it on the air. And here they are, duh!
New research shows that the cost of having a baby can range from 3000 dollars to 37,000 dollars. All I know is, if you’re paying 37,000 bucks for a kid, it better be HUGE.
Norwegian students this week beat an American record when they solved nearly 5 million algebra equations. The American record: 12 equations.
A Southwest Airlines flight from Chicago to Branson, Missouri this week that had no mechanical problems mistakenly landed at the wrong airport. Said everyone who thought they were going to Branson: “Hooray!”
It was reported this week that terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who is being held in Guantanamo Bay, has written a new manifesto in which he says the US is being destroyed from within by homosexuals and divorce. Said Michelle Bachmann: “I agree with whoever that is!”
A male and female police officer in California posed as high school juniors for an entire semester so they could arrest two dozen students for selling marijuana and cocaine. So good luck gaining the respect of your fellow officers, cops who look like and arrest children.
A man in Japan was fined 12,000 dollars after it was discovered that he had been regularly urinating in a broken elevator for six months. Said the man: “I don’t see what the big deal is, a broken elevator is technically just a room.”
A city council in Michigan has voted to allow a new restaurant, named Cajun Gator, to have a 4 foot long alligator greet patrons. Said the restaurant’s owner “Yessss. ‘GREET’ the patrons.”
Actually doing this on time for once! This week I wrote all of my jokes while on airplanes (because I had to travel, not because I am a rich madman who takes planes into the sky just to write jokes, THOUGH I CAN DREAM), and something about the high altitude and screaming babies made me incredibly unfunny. In any case, here they are:
George Zimmer, the founder of Men’s Wearhouse, revealed this week that he was let go from his position with the clothing company via email. Said the email: “You’re gonna like the way you’re fired.”
A man and woman in Georgia have fallen in love after he accidentally shot her in the leg while hunting. However this isn’t the first time this has happened to this man. [photo of a groom standing with a deer in a wedding dress]
NASA announced this week that the Curiosity rover has found evidence of an ancient area on Mars that could have sustained life billions of years ago. Or, as NASA’s calling it, Cleveland.
Animal control officials in Iowa are seeking a home for a baby alligator named “Chompey.” It has been very difficult to find the animal a home ever since it ate its previous owners.
It was announced this week that a record setting 54 million people visited New York City this year, and not a single one of them could get out of the way.
According to a new report one out of six people who drink raw milk can get sick, and six out of six people who drink raw milk need to just hold up and get to the grocery store.
You’d think I’d have the ability to copy and paste a list of jokes I submitted every week, but you’d be wrong! I can barely take care of myself! Anyway, here are most of the jokes I submitted for the past two SNLs. Read your favorites to your friends and then claim you came up with them!
A California company has introduced a new robotic night watchman that is designed to patrol office buildings late at night. Sounds pretty high tech until you find out it’s just a Roomba with a shotgun.
It was reported this week that online dating network CupidMedia was hacked and had personal information stolen from 42 million users. Luckily, pretty much all of the information was made up.
This spring a new waterpark will open in Kansas that will feature the tallest, fastest waterslide in the world. Yeah, it’s called “a waterfall,” and someone just throws you off of it.
A woman in New York has filed a lawsuit against the owner of a chiropractic clinic, alleging that she was fired for being “too cute.” Turns out this is the same reason they fired their receptionist [photo of a kitten on the phone].
A new study suggests that young children who are messy eaters can more easily learn the names of foods than children who stay cleaner while eating. This is likely because their parents are constantly saying stuff like “Jeremy, stop jamming spaghetti in your ears.”
Wired magazine revealed this week that in the latest version of the Android operating system the predictive text program will not recognize the words “sex,” “intercourse” or “screwing.” Said Android: “We’re pretty sure our lame-ass users would never need to use those words.”
A man in New York must now propose to his girlfriend after she agreed to make him 300 sandwiches, and I bet she’s gonna say no.
Police in Florida are searching for two men who stole more than 450 dollars worth of condoms from a drug store. Hey officers, I’d suggest checking all the bedrooms, cause those guys are DEFINITELY… gettin’ laiiiid.
I gotta admit, last week’s jokes were pretty rushed. I ended not being able to get to them until the last minute, and I THINK you will be able to tell. But regardless, here’s a look into the kind of junk I come up with when I have no time!
Researchers at Brigham Young University are studying ways to prevent urine “splash back” when men use the toilet. The most effective method: stop peeing so hard.
A new bill has been introduced in California that would force porn actors to wear protective goggles. So look forward to volumes 1 through 9 of “Sexy Sexy Lab Partners.”
New research suggests that men with “junior” at the end of their name are more likely to come from Southern states. Meanwhile men with “3000” at the end of their name are more likely to come from the robot factory.
A new survey reveals that one in four people access the internet while driving. Meanwhile another survey shows that one in four people access the internet while dying.
People in China on Monday set an internet record spending more than 5 billion dollars in one day during sales connected with Singles’ Day, in which the country’s massive population of single men console themselves with new purchases. The most common purchase: a plane ticket the hell out of there.
A library in Chicago is now allowing patrons to look at porn on their computers as long as they show ID first. Yep, nothing classier than whipping out your drivers license and saying “I’m here to jerk off.”
The makers of the Roomba this week introduced a new model that can suck up 50 percent more dirt than earlier versions. The bad news: it’s big enough to suck up people.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted recently to smoking crack, refused to resign from office saying, “I’m not going anywhere, guaranteed.” He continued: “Seriously, I’m too high to move.”