Here they are, the last of these jokes for this season. I feel like I went out on a bit of a low note, since last week I was super busy and unable to devote the time to these I usually like to. But who cares, did you guys see that final Update? Amy Poehler? That wedding? Give me a break, that was great. Speaking of great, here’s some jokes that maybe arent!
Israel’s farmlands are being threatened by a new swarm of locusts. “Ohh, how does it feel?!” said Egypt.
A growing number of fitness centers are opening that cater specifically to aging baby-boomers and feature low-impact machines and exercise classes that are taken while sitting down. The most popular club: Olds’ Gym.
A new UN report shows that eating insects such as grasshoppers and termites can help fight obesity, presumably by making you throw up all the time.
OJ Simpson on Wednesday testified in court and said that he had no intention of using armed force during a confrontation with sports memorabilia dealers. Continued Simpson: “It’s not like I was married to them.”
A new report reveals that some families are hiring disabled tour guides when visiting Disney theme parks to help them avoid long lines and use the handicapped entrances. The easiest attraction to get into with this method: Hell.
School officials in Omaha are concerned that new requirements forcing student athletes to maintain a 2.0 GPA will mean one-sixth of the students won’t be able to play sports. The players responded by forming the protest movement “Football R Gooder Than Grades.”
A New York City cab driver has turned his car into a “Candy Cab” by leaving his back seat stocked with sweets. Oh, that explains why my cab was so sticky I hope.
A new report shows that the profession with the most obese people is bus driver. The profession with the fewest obese people: Bjork.
Barbara Walters announced Monday that she will be retiring from TV journalism in the summer of 2014. Though she really did that when she joined The View.
More than 200 bands this week auditioned before a panel of judges to become part of the MTA’s “Music Under New York” program in which they get permission to play in the city’s busiest subway stations. Wait, you’re telling me the toothless guy I saw playing “Mary Had A Little Lamb” on a recorder this morning had to AUDITION?
One episode of SNL left this season, so that means two more weeks of these posts. Unless somehow they use every one of my jokes, in which case shame on them. Anyway, overall I feel pretty good about these, particularly compared to the ones I submitted at the very beginning of the season (which I did not post because EMBARRASSED). Enjoy these. One has the word “penis” in it:
Florida police arrested a man who stole razor blades from a Walmart by hiding them in his pants. Police said their first clue was “all the blood.”
A growing number of big budget Hollywood movies have added new scenes specifically for showings in China in hopes of winning over censors to gain access to the lucrative audience. This explains the scene in Iron Man 3 in which Tony Stark kills an unwanted female child.
A man in Utah this week won a temporary reprieve after he was initially ordered by authorities to remove more than two dozen boa constrictors he keeps in his home. The reprieve abruptly ended when he was eaten by snakes.
French researchers are saying that a man is 17 percent more likely to get a woman’s phone number if he is carrying a guitar, and 95 percent more likely if he is carrying a pen.
A new genetic survey finds that all Europeans living today are related to the same set of ancestors who lived 1000 years ago, making it even weirder that they kiss so much.
Conservationists are warning Hong Kong officials that if they don’t take urgent action against pollution they risk losing their rare pink dolphins, which are steadily being replaced by the less-rare “vomiting dolphin.”
Insiders are saying that Rush Limbaugh may remove his radio show from Cumulus stations because the company’s CEO continues to blame him for declining ad sales after an incident last year when Limbaugh called a female law student a slut. Limbaugh said the lack of sales could not be his fault because quote “my listeners hate women just as much as I do.”
The American Gerbil Society recently held its annual pageant, but you could barely see it.
A new bra was introduced this week that features a gun holster, revealing that Victoria’s Secret is she can kill you.
It was reported this week that membership in the NRA has grown in the past year to a record high 5 million people, meaning we would have to pry guns out of 10 million cold dead hands.
A new survey shows that the number of children that is most stressful for a mother is three, though any mother with more than three was deemed “too insane” to answer the survey.
This past Sunday marked the 10th Annual World Naked Gardening Day, as well as the 10th anniversary of the condition known as “poison ivy penis.”
New research suggests that early humans ate antelope brains. Said Guy Fieri: “Still do!”
Pennsylvania police arrested a woman who got in a car accident after they found a To-Do list on her the included “Xanax,” “Cocaine,” “get high,” “muscle relaxers.” Weird that “get high” was THIRD on that list.
A new report lists the Democratic Republic of Congo as the toughest country in the world to be a mother. But it’s still the best place to be a murderer!
New statistics reveal that 79 percent of Americans do not meet the government’s recommended physical activity guidelines of at least 2 and a half hours of aerobic activity a week. In response the government has softened its recommendation to “looking out the window for a couple minutes.”A team of researchers in Europe have determined the cause of gray hair and have developed a topical drug to cure it. Great news, seniors, now you can look like this: [photoshop of the Cryptkeeper with Elvis hair].
“Are we having fun yet?” - Nickelback
“All that glitters is gold.” - Smashmouth“It’s just one of those days.” - Limp Bizkit
“All the world’s a stage.” - Rush“Booty booty booty booty rockin everywhere.” - Maya Angelou
Since I started sending jokes to Weekend Update I’ve developed this kind of emotional sine graph whenever I watch the segment. When a joke ends I lean forward a little bit, waiting to see if my setup is about to be used in the next joke. When it isn’t, I slump back down and then gradually climb back up that hill for the next setup. Occasionally they will use one of my setups, which makes me practically stand up in anticipation (I do not actually stand up because that would mean exertion), but then the punchline comes and it’s not mine and I slide back down the couch like a sack of loose meat. But this week got a really unusual reaction out of me, thanks largely to me hearing this setup:
According to a new study more than 4400 children are injured every year on the country’s amusement park rides.
Followed by this punchline:
Most of them on Six Flags’ “Kid-A-Pult.”
Meanwhile, here is a joke that I sent in:
According to a new study more than 4400 children are injured every year on the country’s amusement park rides, though researchers admit the study is skewed due to Six Flags’ most popular attraction: The Kid Mangler.
Mine is way clunkier and has a much more violent fake ride as a punchline, but I was still like “Wait. Was that mine?” The sine graph was all over the place. Did they like mine but just soften the specific? Did *I* change it to Kid-A-Pult and forget? Am I completely insane? It took me a good five minutes to realize, no, this is not yours, you idiot. Someone else came up with a better version of the same joke, and that’s the one they went with. Then the sine graph kind of bottomed out. But then I realized that I got a lot closer with that one than I have with others, and that’s its own sort of cool. Anyway, enough of my FEELINGS. Here’s the rest:
New York City officials have posted a job listing for a person to encourage breast-feeding in Brooklyn. “I’ll do it!” said a thousand disgusting men.
Federal officials met this week to discuss ways to prevent the stock market from crashing after a Twitter hoax reporting that the White House had been attacked resulted in stocks plummeting. Step one in their new plan: fact checking.
A growing number of states, including North Carolina, Connecticut and West Virginia, are working to change local “blue laws” that ban hunting on Sundays. These proposals are being met with sharp opposition from activist lawmaker Judge Deer-Dressed-Like-A-Human.
The President of Turkmenistan, who was embarrassed after he fell off his horse during a televised race, ordered police to confiscate the video from the state TV station and had airport security check the camera phones of departing travelers to make sure no one had the footage. But maybe he could just get better at riding horses?
A new study shows that men who sleep poorly have a lower sperm count. Scientists say this is because the sperm fairy won’t visit you if you’re awake.
The FAA said this week that the full compliment of air-traffic controllers returned to work this week after Congress passed emergency legislation allowing them to bypass the mandatory sequester. “Finally!” said all the pilots that have been circling since March.
A deli in Brooklyn, New York called the “Roll-x Deli” has been sued by Rolex, which claims that the name is too similar and will confuse customers into thinking they are getting food that maintains the “quality and prestige” of their watches. The deli responded by saying their food actually maintains the “flavor” of Rolex watches.
This week two long running soap operas “All My Children” and “One Life to Live,” which were canceled in 2011, returned as web series. Former viewers are excited to watch the series as soon as they can figure out how to get the whatchacallit started up.
CBS announced that it will renew their hit series Two and a Half Men, however Angus T. Jones will not return as a regular cast member. The network will now be forced to change the show’s title to the very descriptive “Two Men.”
Mexico’s President Enrique Pena Nieto has launched a new campaign to shift focus away from his country’s continuing drug violence and instead market Mexico as an emerging economic power that is safe for foreign investment. This is evidenced by the country’s new travel slogan “Mexico: Promise Not To Shoot Ya.”
A new survey shows that 41 percent of college graduates are overqualified for the jobs they have, said the astrophysicist who compiled those survey results.
According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons nearly 15,000 women in the US last year had upper-arm lift procedures to make their arms more like Michelle Obama’s. However, miscommunications have led to a few unfortunate mishaps [photo of a woman whose arms look like full Michelle Obama].
Behold ye a list of topical jokes I wrote for SNL this week. I think these skewed a little more “normal” than I usually end up drifting (I usually end up drifting into Camp Dumb). Decide for yourself!
A Florida man was arrested after he allegedly exposed himself at a Burger King then defecated on the sidewalk, forcing Burger King to update its slogan to “Have It Your Way, But Be Reasonable.”
A bipartisan deal in the Senate was announced Wednesday that would expand background checks, including those at gun shows and online. This will replace the old gun show background check, which consisted of someone asking “Hey, want a gun?”
A couple from Iowa became the first people to get married at the new Denny’s wedding chapel in Las Vegas, but if tradition holds the next person to get married will be the girl who caught the bouquet [the bouquet is a bunch of raw sausage with a bow on it].
A recreation department in Canada has proposed a new policy that would force parents who are loud and disruptive during their children’s sporting matches to do 100 push-ups. Yeah, great idea, make these obnoxious parents STRONGER.
The United States Postal Service this week said that it would delay its plans to stop Saturday mail delivery. And if there’s one thing the Postal Service does well, it’s delays.
A number of states, including Maryland, California and Nevada, are considering new taxes on guns and ammunition as a way to pay for the cost of gun violence. Because the main reason people don’t want to get shot is because it’s expensive.
Many tech experts are saying that the new Google Glass, which is a pair of glasses that act as a computer monitor with a camera and microphone built in, may not be welcome in certain places since it makes it easy to secretly record people. The group most concerned about Google Glass: Weird Nipples Anonymous.
A new study concludes that charity races and fun runs are the “least efficient” way to raise money for special causes because of the amount of money needed to operate them. The most efficient method: stealing.
A Japanese man has invented a coat that he says helps fight loneliness by allowing the user to tighten its belt so they feel like they are being hugged. Yep, nothing makes you feel more loved than sitting alone in a room, hugging yourself.
For the first time in its 86 year history, the National Spelling Bee will now require that contestants not only know how to spell words, but also know their definition. Wow, I bet the contestants are feeling pretty… splenetic… about that.
New York City is developing a new app that will allow drivers to learn where there are open parking spaces. The app is called “Nowhere.”
A new survey finds that 78 percent of social media users think people online are getting ruder. Many social media users responded to the survey, calling it “stupid and gay.”
Reports show that on average two people a day contact New York City officials to praise a cab driver they thought did an exemplary job. The taxi they hailed: the Cash Cab.
It’s been a few weeks, but now SNL’s back so that means I have more of these to post. So relax, pull up a chair, sit in it I guess, and read these jokes about news stories that happened seemingly decades ago.
Ambulance dispatchers in Australia are upset over a series of new rules that ban them from eating lollipops at their desks and force them to drink only out of “sippy cups” to prevent spills on the equipment. One dispatcher said it’s ridiculous to be treated this way when you’re “this many” [Seth holds up 4 fingers].
A company in Brazil has created a new ice cream that tastes like beer. Said the company: “Well, we got that backwards.”
New research reveals that William Shakespeare was prosecuted for tax evasion and for hoarding grain during a grain shortage. This explains the existence of Shakespeare’s least popular play “What Is Grain? Never Heard Of It.”
Pat Robertson said this week that people in Africa are more likely to experience God’s miracles because they are “simple” and “humble,” while Africans said they are more likely to experience God because they are “dying.”
Louisville Slugger has changed how they produce their wooden baseball bat for the first time since 1972, which will create a different sound during games. Said the Houston Astros: “Wait, bats make a sound?”
A new study finds that mice can cough, but they look like real losers when they try to smoke cigarettes.
The Associated Press announced this week that it will no longer use the term “illegal immigrant.” Fox News followed suit, saying that from now on they will simply use the term “Mexican.”
According to a new poll 4 percent of Americans believe that “shape-shifting reptilian people” run the world. And to those 4 percent I’d like to say: no we don’t.
A California man was arrested after he tried to impress his date by crashing his car into the back of another car, then trying to punch the driver. Luckily for the man he was taken to jail and still got laid.
This week marked the 500th anniversary of Ponce de Leon discovering Florida. “Yeah, I remember when that happened” said every Florida resident.
A controversial new exhibit has opened at a museum in Germany called “Jew In The Box,” in which a Jewish man or woman sits in a glass box for two hours a day answering questions about their religion. Many German Jews are calling the exhibit “an improvement.”