Again I’ve fallen woefully behind in posting these. But now, here is a select choice of prime-cut, unused jokes, slow-roasted over a garbage fire and fed to you, the Internet:
A new study finds that eating too little salt can also be harmful to people. To reiterate: if you don’t eat the perfect amount of salt, you will die.
An art exhibit has opened in Israel called “Trash People,” which features 500 life-sized figures made from recycled trash. Meanwhile, in America, “Trash People” just had its season finale [picture of Duck Dynasty].
A family of hawks have taken over a library in Florida and attack anyone trying to enter the building. Luckily, since the library’s in Florida, no one has tried.
British researchers have discovered that males who start smoking before the age of 11 risk having sons who are overweight. Finally, a reason for 10-year-olds not to smoke.
Researchers are saying that infants crying at night is an evolutionary survival mechanism that prevents parents from having sex and creating siblings. So parents, if you wanna get some sleep, just promise your baby you’ll use a condom.
The number one pop star in Japan now is a hologram of a 16-year-old girl who has a digitally synthesized voice. Oh, so Justin Bieber?
NBC has launched a new campaign to find the next big sitcom by allowing anyone to pitch their ideas to the network. They’re calling the program “Desperation.”
Health officials are warning about an increase in salmonella infections due to people kissing chickens kept as pets. Said one victim: “So Iii SHOULDN’T kiss chickens?”
Three women in Oregon this week were arrested for twerking outside a local City Hall. Just so we’re clear, monetary donations are considered free speech, but it’s a crime if you make that booty talk.
An elementary school in Florida was evacuated after a classroom’s python escaped. Luckily, class was allowed to continue after the child-eating snake was safely returned to its thin glass case near all the kids.
Florida police arrested a man who was driving naked and masturbating in an attempt to entice truck drivers. Um, normally people just go like this [mimes pulling the horn].
The first round of the US Air Guitar Championships were held this week in Brooklyn. Competition is fierce this year since the winner will be taking home air $50,000.
A student at Columbia University revealed this week that he works as a paid escort earning 300 dollars an hour for sex. Pssh, I bet he only got the job cause his dad owns the company.
Once again I’ve fallen woefully behind in posting the jokes that I sent to SNL that none of you saw on the television. But in an effort to catch up, here’s a huge dump of them, sorted in reverse chronological order so that they become less topical as you read them! It’s like a failure time machine!
Walmart is recalling more than 170,000 dolls over concerns that they can overheat and potentially burn customers. Still selling guns, though!
After Pope Francis met with President Obama on Thursday he gave him a copy of his book “The Joy of the Gospel,” saying “this is for when you are bored.” Said Obama: “Oh cool, then I guess I’ll read it right now.”
The bee master at a spelling bee in San Diego was forced to call for a break in the competition when he realized that they had run out of words, which explains why the last word he’d asked the kids to spell was “umm, umm, microphone?”
The College Board announced this week that it is making changes to the SATs so that they will be more fair for lower income students. Their first step: removing the yachting section.
A passenger on a recent flight from Calgary to Victoria, British Columbia left a note on the cockpit door for the female pilot saying “the cockpit of an airliner is no place for a woman.” In retaliation, the pilot flew the passenger safely to his destination.
A Canadian man was arrested after he tried to rob a convenience store with a hockey stick. He’s expected to serve up to five years in the penalty box.
North Korea on Thursday launched four short-range missiles into the East Sea. The good news is they were aiming for California.
A new app has been launched called Minibar, which allows people in New York to have wine and liquor delivered to their homes, which is perfect for when you’re already too drunk to make it to the corner store.
Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have discovered 500 year old drawings for a weapon system in which cats would be strapped to rocket-like devices and fired at targets. The researchers said this is one of the most effective ways to kill cats they’ve ever seen.
A 45 year-old French woman, who was on a ski vacation in the Alps, didn’t know she was pregnant and was shocked when she gave birth to a baby girl. The good thing is, she still managed to complete her slalom. [picture of a baby dangling out of a skiing woman]
The milk industry this week replaced its 20 year old slogan “Got Milk” with a new phrase “Milk Life,” which is the same slogan Tupac Shakur had tattooed on his stomach as a child.
According to recently released documents the NSA and British Intelligence have developed a system to hack into popular smartphone apps such as Angry Birds to get information about users. I mean, what could a game about vengeful birds committing suicide to kill oppressive pigs possibly tell them… about… terrorism…
A new survey shows that the most common food eaten on Super Bowl Sunday is vegetables. Or, as most Americans call them, “those green sticks you use as a ranch dressing spoon.”
A Florida newspaper is inviting readers to volunteer as proofreaders for three hours a night, rewarding the person who catches the most typos with a free diner.
A Brooklyn woman is suing a local McDonald’s alleging that when she demanded cheese on her son’s Happy Meal hamburger, the cashier punched her. Look, if she wanted a cheeseburger, she should’ve ordered one.