The first SNL of the new year! Sasheer is already killing it, Drake was a solid host, and I wowed all my fans (my cat) by having some more jokes that didn’t make it on the air. And here they are, duh!
New research shows that the cost of having a baby can range from 3000 dollars to 37,000 dollars. All I know is, if you’re paying 37,000 bucks for a kid, it better be HUGE.
Norwegian students this week beat an American record when they solved nearly 5 million algebra equations. The American record: 12 equations.
A Southwest Airlines flight from Chicago to Branson, Missouri this week that had no mechanical problems mistakenly landed at the wrong airport. Said everyone who thought they were going to Branson: “Hooray!”
It was reported this week that terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who is being held in Guantanamo Bay, has written a new manifesto in which he says the US is being destroyed from within by homosexuals and divorce. Said Michelle Bachmann: “I agree with whoever that is!”
A male and female police officer in California posed as high school juniors for an entire semester so they could arrest two dozen students for selling marijuana and cocaine. So good luck gaining the respect of your fellow officers, cops who look like and arrest children.
A man in Japan was fined 12,000 dollars after it was discovered that he had been regularly urinating in a broken elevator for six months. Said the man: “I don’t see what the big deal is, a broken elevator is technically just a room.”
A city council in Michigan has voted to allow a new restaurant, named Cajun Gator, to have a 4 foot long alligator greet patrons. Said the restaurant’s owner “Yessss. ‘GREET’ the patrons.”
Actually doing this on time for once! This week I wrote all of my jokes while on airplanes (because I had to travel, not because I am a rich madman who takes planes into the sky just to write jokes, THOUGH I CAN DREAM), and something about the high altitude and screaming babies made me incredibly unfunny. In any case, here they are:
George Zimmer, the founder of Men’s Wearhouse, revealed this week that he was let go from his position with the clothing company via email. Said the email: “You’re gonna like the way you’re fired.”
A man and woman in Georgia have fallen in love after he accidentally shot her in the leg while hunting. However this isn’t the first time this has happened to this man. [photo of a groom standing with a deer in a wedding dress]
NASA announced this week that the Curiosity rover has found evidence of an ancient area on Mars that could have sustained life billions of years ago. Or, as NASA’s calling it, Cleveland.
Animal control officials in Iowa are seeking a home for a baby alligator named “Chompey.” It has been very difficult to find the animal a home ever since it ate its previous owners.
It was announced this week that a record setting 54 million people visited New York City this year, and not a single one of them could get out of the way.
According to a new report one out of six people who drink raw milk can get sick, and six out of six people who drink raw milk need to just hold up and get to the grocery store.
You’d think I’d have the ability to copy and paste a list of jokes I submitted every week, but you’d be wrong! I can barely take care of myself! Anyway, here are most of the jokes I submitted for the past two SNLs. Read your favorites to your friends and then claim you came up with them!
A California company has introduced a new robotic night watchman that is designed to patrol office buildings late at night. Sounds pretty high tech until you find out it’s just a Roomba with a shotgun.
It was reported this week that online dating network CupidMedia was hacked and had personal information stolen from 42 million users. Luckily, pretty much all of the information was made up.
This spring a new waterpark will open in Kansas that will feature the tallest, fastest waterslide in the world. Yeah, it’s called “a waterfall,” and someone just throws you off of it.
A woman in New York has filed a lawsuit against the owner of a chiropractic clinic, alleging that she was fired for being “too cute.” Turns out this is the same reason they fired their receptionist [photo of a kitten on the phone].
A new study suggests that young children who are messy eaters can more easily learn the names of foods than children who stay cleaner while eating. This is likely because their parents are constantly saying stuff like “Jeremy, stop jamming spaghetti in your ears.”
Wired magazine revealed this week that in the latest version of the Android operating system the predictive text program will not recognize the words “sex,” “intercourse” or “screwing.” Said Android: “We’re pretty sure our lame-ass users would never need to use those words.”
A man in New York must now propose to his girlfriend after she agreed to make him 300 sandwiches, and I bet she’s gonna say no.
Police in Florida are searching for two men who stole more than 450 dollars worth of condoms from a drug store. Hey officers, I’d suggest checking all the bedrooms, cause those guys are DEFINITELY… gettin’ laiiiid.
I gotta admit, last week’s jokes were pretty rushed. I ended not being able to get to them until the last minute, and I THINK you will be able to tell. But regardless, here’s a look into the kind of junk I come up with when I have no time!
Researchers at Brigham Young University are studying ways to prevent urine “splash back” when men use the toilet. The most effective method: stop peeing so hard.
A new bill has been introduced in California that would force porn actors to wear protective goggles. So look forward to volumes 1 through 9 of “Sexy Sexy Lab Partners.”
New research suggests that men with “junior” at the end of their name are more likely to come from Southern states. Meanwhile men with “3000” at the end of their name are more likely to come from the robot factory.
A new survey reveals that one in four people access the internet while driving. Meanwhile another survey shows that one in four people access the internet while dying.
People in China on Monday set an internet record spending more than 5 billion dollars in one day during sales connected with Singles’ Day, in which the country’s massive population of single men console themselves with new purchases. The most common purchase: a plane ticket the hell out of there.
A library in Chicago is now allowing patrons to look at porn on their computers as long as they show ID first. Yep, nothing classier than whipping out your drivers license and saying “I’m here to jerk off.”
The makers of the Roomba this week introduced a new model that can suck up 50 percent more dirt than earlier versions. The bad news: it’s big enough to suck up people.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted recently to smoking crack, refused to resign from office saying, “I’m not going anywhere, guaranteed.” He continued: “Seriously, I’m too high to move.”
Sometimes in life you just get so busy that you completely forget to post your unused jokes from a television show on your tumblr no one reads. Other times you lie about how busy you were as an excuse! Whichever the case is here, I haven’t been posting my Weekend Update jokes, and that is literally the worst thing that is going on in the world right now. So, I figured I would just dump my “faves” from the past 3 shows so that this post isn’t 400 pages long! And here we go!
Tide has created a new self-cleaning shirt that infuses soap into the ink which is released when it gets wet. They’re calling it the “Shirt You Can Only Wear In Perfect Weather.”
Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson harshly criticized the hit movie Gravity this week saying that it contained major scientific inaccuracies including how bodies move in zero-G. However, he did say Star Wars is pretty accurate.
A new report by Consumer Reports shows that a stroller designed by Heidi Klum is unsafe for babies. Said Klum: “I didn’t design it for babies.” [picture of Heidi Klum jutting out of a stroller]
New York Police are searching for two men who robbed a Whole Foods stealing more than $60,000 in cash. They were originally only going to take 50,000, but Whole Foods gave them a little bonus for bringing their own tote bag.
A Pennsylvania man was charged with breaking a state law preventing people from rubbing a pregnant woman’s belly. But the state of Pennsylvania felt pretty awkward after the woman said “Um, I’m not pregnant.”
A new poll has found that only 1 out of every three adults in New York use condoms. However, this average is skewed due to Brooklyn resident Condom Hands Gary. [picture of a guy with condoms on all his fingers]
Pennsylvania police arrested a man, who allegedly groped a female employee at an Arby’s drive through, after they followed a trail of curly fries to his hotel room. Wow, every single thing in that story has grease in it.
Scientists announced that they have discovered three previously unknown species in a rainforest in Australia, including a frog that mates in the rain. The frog is already getting offers to star in Nicholas Sparks movies. [picture of a frog kissing Rachel McAdams in the rain]
Robotics engineers are now creating a new generation of robots intended to appear more human and interact safely with people. The engineers said if all goes according to plan, the robots will be able to sneak right up on us without us even realizing it.
Officials in England’s Epping Forest are warning drivers to be on the look out for deer having sex in the road, who will not notice an oncoming car. Which must mean the sex is PRETTY good.