You’d think I’d have the ability to copy and paste a list of jokes I submitted every week, but you’d be wrong! I can barely take care of myself! Anyway, here are most of the jokes I submitted for the past two SNLs. Read your favorites to your friends and then claim you came up with them!
A California company has introduced a new robotic night watchman that is designed to patrol office buildings late at night. Sounds pretty high tech until you find out it’s just a Roomba with a shotgun.
It was reported this week that online dating network CupidMedia was hacked and had personal information stolen from 42 million users. Luckily, pretty much all of the information was made up.
This spring a new waterpark will open in Kansas that will feature the tallest, fastest waterslide in the world. Yeah, it’s called “a waterfall,” and someone just throws you off of it.
A woman in New York has filed a lawsuit against the owner of a chiropractic clinic, alleging that she was fired for being “too cute.” Turns out this is the same reason they fired their receptionist [photo of a kitten on the phone].
A new study suggests that young children who are messy eaters can more easily learn the names of foods than children who stay cleaner while eating. This is likely because their parents are constantly saying stuff like “Jeremy, stop jamming spaghetti in your ears.”
Wired magazine revealed this week that in the latest version of the Android operating system the predictive text program will not recognize the words “sex,” “intercourse” or “screwing.” Said Android: “We’re pretty sure our lame-ass users would never need to use those words.”
A man in New York must now propose to his girlfriend after she agreed to make him 300 sandwiches, and I bet she’s gonna say no.
Police in Florida are searching for two men who stole more than 450 dollars worth of condoms from a drug store. Hey officers, I’d suggest checking all the bedrooms, cause those guys are DEFINITELY… gettin’ laiiiid.